Overwhelmed

Today at work one of my residents said to me "you are so moody today, I don't know if you need sleep or what but you are bad". Well guys yes I am moody, I am upset with staff who are not doing their job or who are terrible at it and making others lives aweful, I'm tired of others telling me how bad the other staff are, I'm tired of kids trying to attack me and staff not having my back, I'm tired of enforcing our rules and having staff walk all over my decisions and stab me in the back; yeah I'm a bit moody. On top of all this, I have stress from moving in just a little over a week, first months rent, repairing my car, bills, rude man in my life, ect. I'm overwhelmed currently and when I just want a hug, someone to go out for drinks with me, someone to hang out with me, or even just talk to me without me having to call them on text them first. Something. Someone make an effort. Someone love me. Someone provide human comfort. Someone. Someone. Someone. It's all I'm asking is to be treated like a human and not some work horse or pile of dirt. My boss does nothing when I go to her on the coworkers abusing their work and making life harder for me, the coworkers have become so burned out or so lazy that they are not too much help currently and everyone hates everyone. I'm frustrated, I'm overwhelemed, I'm tired, I'm moody, I just need some love and a mojito.

Memory.

I can still feel your hands wrapped around my arms, feel them pressing in my skin, fingers indenting into the muscle, deeper and deeper you go. Pushing so hard I cannot make a sound from fear you'll hurt me more. Here I stand years taller, still scared and shadowed from your hurtful touch. You said we were friends, the best of, yet you took me and my freedom, things that weren't yours. I did what they said to do; called for help, they raped me even more, cried for mentality, received some light, but there is a touch, if anyone reaches it I lasp, trigger, fall. I start to see your face again, feel your touch, see the dark, someone save me, save me from my own memory. It haunts me.

Latest conflict

Hm. Conflict is a huge thing and it's all caused by ones self usually. So basically my latest relationship is unlike any other... I've been seeing this guy for a little over a month now and we have gone to many of my family functions, stayed the night together, he has taken work off to take care of sick me, ect.

So I had a pretty painful surgery yesterday and it is kicking my butt today with pain and not being able to move, can't even lift 10 pounds and I'm tired as all heck.  My man spent all day with me and took me to my dentist appointment. My dentist asked me today so the gentleman with you, is he your boyfriend, fiance... I replied we are dating without a title then told my man about that conversation.  When I stated what the dentist asked, Pat, my man, said "yes"; no classification of what we are or if we are married or anything but just said yes in general. That threw me off after we had a conversation earlier about how he is bring selfish and not married yet.

My mom later in the evening then asked me  if I want to be with Pat because I am ready to be married and want to be or because it feels right. I told her we haven't seen each other long enough to know all I know is that everything feels normal with him but not necessarily right like a fairytale. Everything with him feels so natural, as if this is how it should be.

So I don't know what to do because I love how we are but I want more..

People

When you look out at the vast sky and see the clouds some days there aren't as many and some days there are so many you can't see the blue. It's like people, some days there are so many around you can't see clearly and other days there are none at all making life seem like a void of stability. Those days you must push forward for the idea that you will have tomorrow to see more clouds,  see more that are reliable. You must remember although that clouds come and go and are never the same ones, you must be your own sunshine that keeps your darkest days lit.

Updates((LIFE))

So I am joyed to say how I left Mr perfect who ended up being aweful and abusive. Now am dating a coworker, a supervisor, non direct, and he is pretty good to me so far. He takes care of me and is really good about just accepting me for everything I am. He has his flaws but they aren't a bother to me, he is so accepting me along with caring. Continual caring and taking care of me in all ways. He is very respectful to my family and friends. This guy is great so far, still in our honeymoon stage I'm sure but man does he rock.

[[men]]WHATTODO

Okay so there is this guy... They cause so much trouble you know, anyways, he is pretty much amazing so far. I have known about him since High School, but never actually knew him, knew his younger brother although. Funniest part is, I had a crush on him in High School but never did anything about is because he was the popular jock and I was the nerdy, naive, goth girl. Probably not the types that would have mixed very well you know? Moving forward, our lives have gone forward a lot and we both have been through many different trails and triumphs in our lives; we started hanging out through a mutual friend, who ironically I never have hung out with before now even though we have known each other since High School as well.

This guy, he is really different than what I am used to, different in a good way. He is crewed sometimes in the things he talks about with social experiences, although alone he is amazingly open and social and willing to tell me anything. He is not a very big social media talking type of person yet in person he is great at talking in person. Super crazy in public and not caring what others think, makes me giggle like a school girl and blush all the time, which is insanely rare for me, he gives me butterflies and makes me shy, I really do not like that fact at all yet somehow I can not get enough of being around him. This guy is amazing about taking care of me, he will rub my back and feet anytime, he will keep me warm when I am cold, he will take me out when I want to go out, he will get me to do things I am scared to do just by nudging me into them. The things that matter although are the little things really, how he will hold my hand, how he will come up and hold me while I cook, or hold me all night when I sleep, the way he will smile at me or the way he will remember small details in depth about me. What can I say, hook like and sinker... The player has been played and she doesn't know what to do.

Bringing it back here

All that sickness previously mentioned? Well we got down most of it, the rash is still unknown and still there, looks like I need a biopsy. Oh boy! O.o moving on...

I have epstein Barr virus, apparently it's pretty common and goes away on its own. It causes fatigue,  fever, left side pains, ect... so that is most of my issues. Apparently it comes from saliva sharing with others, drinks, kissing, ect... yikes!

On top of that most know, I have PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome), known as a skinny cyster since most with it are overweight and have typer 2 diabetes. I lucked out being one who will most likely always stay thin, not get diabetes, be my weight my whole life; but not be able to have kids because I'm like this fun little  cyst factory, and boy do they hurt!

Recently I had a ct scan done due to sever pains I was having and numbing of my spine and hips, turns out I have a lot of cysts plus I am developing more. My Dr doesn't want to do anything unless they get worse because once we start removing them it'll have to be a yearly surgery, and I don't want that.

Them I'm on seizure pills again. Cannot find seizures but they sure do seem to stop my headaches and issues where my vision goes white and I cannot think at all. For those that know me, I don't like pills, but hey they are helping and I'm loving every second of it! (: my silver lining is at least being almost all headache free now days, cross your fingers for me to stay that way.

I have all sorts of terrible going on and a not so awesome body, I complain too much sometimes; but I am grateful to at least be out and about, living and breathing, still able to function mostly normally.

¡¡PSYCH!!major

Well after chatting with other psych majors and non psych majors I have discovered something very interesting; a lot of people don't like psychologists due to the fact that we will tear you apart a d put you back together. Problem is a lot of people will only let us tear them apart before finishing the process. If you accept the help of getting torn apart and put back together you will actually come out stronger. When I say torn apart and put back together, sounds scary, right?  It's not. You actually do almost all of the work yourself, we are just the tape recorder for you.

Psychology, couseling, is pretty simple. Before I explain it let me state a huge peeve. Psychiatrists and psychologists are two different things, psychiatrists can prescribe medication, they have more schooling, psychologists only have their masters. Then therapy and counseling are different. Therapy is the practice of someone actually working to change a behavior and teach a new one, telling you what to do per say. Counseling is someone listening to you and repeating back what you say in different words so you can hear yourself and understand yourself.

People can solve their own problems, most do not although because it requires actually stopping to listen to yourself. Which can be terribly scary almost all the time. We all hear our friends saying things they do or are going to do and think "they are so stupid, they know better". Of course they do; they are not listening to themselves and are thinking irrationally. Counseling is a way of getting someone to repeat everything in a way that you understand it and someone else works with you so that you can work through your own issues with a guiding hand.

So many people do not like counseling or psychologists for the reasoning of they think of us as bad or manipulative. We are not, just listen. Sure some people are just bad, that seems to be inevitable; but people who go into a psychological field usually go through counseling first and know what it is and know that they have to keep a good balance in order to take on others issues.

I don't know if I am rambling now, probably am. But I have lost a few friends because they see they way I naturally am as bad and mean. I am sorry that if I see a bad habit I will call it out; but hey at least I won't stand by and let you be a dumb ass then let you complain. I'll try to help. Then if you let me, I'll help you through it if you ask. If not then don't start complaining when I tried to help originally because there will be no sympathy from me. I can about everyone, including my enemies. If I try to help and you push me away or walk away instead of just talking about it, I'm going to see you as childish and not worth time of day. It's not worth it to have people in your life who don't want help but only want to complain about everything.  I have to say, the friends I have are amazing because they have what is classified as "tough love", I appreciate it and wish more people would just be willing to talk to each other. Thank you to my friends, you are amazing.

Side note if you want to know where this came from:

I had a friend recently who is a psychology major and younger than me, he has been very depressed because he has a lot of high anxiety issues. Basically anxiety is where you have to many chemicals firing in your brain and the receptors cannot catch them all so you freak out, depression is where you don't have enough firing so you feel slow and lagging, give up, look at the negative and cannot feel well.  He has been showing signs of anxiety and depression switching back and forth like mad lately. I haven't told him either just asked about situations that were causing him to act different and so forth. He said he is more stressed. I told him to get some meds to help balance out the chemicals. He did and is feeling a lot better. It felt good to help him. Then on top of that I lost a friend recently  who has such a low esteem of herself that she couldn't handle being told that she has a shopping problem because she has more clothes than a walk in closet could hold, that's pretty bad when I was telling her she needed to stop shopping cause there was no space for clothes and she couldn't possibly wear them all.

This all started my thinking into other situations on how everything has changed since I went to school for psychology. Even in the school it was different how psychology majors were with others.

Thanks for reading! (:

Dunhaaaaaaam

Well it has been done, Tonka toy, formally known as the Ford focus, has been traded in for Dunham, my toyota prius. Folks I'm drivin a half electric car now! Intense. So much to learn.

It all happened so fast, I have a wonderful brother in law and sister who helped me out. My brother works at a dealer, he found me some cars and took me out in them then helped to not only show me the plans that would work with me financially but also helped to get me out of being upside down so bad that I'd never get out. It is wonderful! I do have to say I have a wonderful family.

We may fight a lot and be mean to each other but in the end we are there for each other; up and down we help we each other out.

Bringing it out there

Well world... announcing that I've been sick for months and doctors have yet to figure what is wrong with me yet still. I gain weight. I loose weight. I want to sleep all the time. I can't eat without nausea. I'm moody as all heck. Sounds like pregnancy? Yeah, but it's not. I've had some awesome rash things that appear under my arms and go away with steroid cream,  doctor has no clue what it is but thinks it's staph. Well isn't this fun?

Just a wee bit concerned by now, sick for months and getting worse. Random fevers too. Fantastic. Just expressing some thoughts.

hello[[GOODBYE]]car

Okay well some of you may know, I purchased a car from carmax less than two years ago; they are supposed to be good cars, right? WRONG. This car has been nothing but trouble and issues since I got it. Within 26 days of owning the car I was already back letting them know it was having some issues, it squeaked near the passenger door, my brakes did not feel like they were working right, the ride was VERY bump as if I had no suspension and lastly my sun roof button no longer worked to open it. Fantastic. They repaired all that under my limited warranty of course for free and provided me a rental car for free, that was nice.  Well after that I was like cool! My car is good to go now.

HA! Jokes on me... Found a bleach stain then under the passenger seat, the hell? Then my trunk decided it is going to make scary noises when you open it and not close about 90% of the time. I went in to see what the repair for it would cost... $100 for the part plus labor. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?! I had been a not so proud owner for less than 3 months by this point. Oh why not add in that the automatic shift stick in the middle, my button to push in to shift is broken and likes to fall off, that was since I got it back from the shop. Nice right? While on a side note, it also doesn't like to shift every now and then. Exciting for sure. I then proceeded to replace my wipers for the windshield, and again about 4 months later... then again 7 months later. Well okay I give up, streaks be it, apparently my car destroys wipers. Rock on.

Well I have now learned to turn the music up to tune the annoying squeaking out, shift without the button, play games with the trunk in order to get it to stay closed, and ignore the bleach stain they left me. Move to Arizona November of 2012 thinking my car is working fine... Well that was an error on my part. Had to then replace the tires cause they were bald and the shocks cause they were blown, in April of 2013. Tires, okay I can understand that, but my shocks?! What next I was thinking... Go to work in different states, car still is riding bumpy of course unless there is a lot of weight, same with the squeaking. Guess what, I weight less than 120, I don't add much to the car. So continuing to deal with the squeaking and bumpiness, I go back to Arizona in the end of June 2013. Took my car to the shop to just get a quick look over, turns out my rear bearings are basically gone... Wonderful, I have NO money to repair this! I am making payments on the car which cost less than all these repairs.

I luckily had a mechanic friend who got my rear bearings replaced for $140 for me, nice guy. I had to pay him over the duration of 2 months due to having life bills plus car payments on a vehicle that is cost more to repair than to purchase. So after this lovely adventure in less than two years of owning the vehicle, I move back to Utah. Car is doing okay, wait, just kidding. The heater now does not work, thermostat had to be replaced... Cool. Oh well guess the sway bars were bad too, replacing those fixed the bumpiness of my ride. Gee go figure.... The squeaking is still there although. Well okay, there is another $330+ in repairs, which is more than my monthly payments almost by double. Then less than two weeks later, come to find out we must replace my entire steering column system due to it breaking, not allowing me to turn easily, I was manually turning the car with no aid. Oh boy was that a workout! Alright that is the latest repair plus a new serpentine belt... $550+ there. HOLY COW. Are you kidding me car?!? Why must you suck... I maintenance it regularly, keep the oil changed, check my fluids, keep my oil filter changed, clean it regularly, have seat covers, so forth... I take care of my cars; apparently this one is trying to kill me although.

What a frustrating car my friends... If you have any advice as to what to do with my lemon, please help! BTW I have put less than 20k miles on it since I got it and changed the oil now 5 times. That is once every 3-4 thousand miles. Always making sure I change it before it gets too brown and still has a slight hint of honey color to it.

jobs{STRESS}jobs

Well then world, searching for a job worthwhile can be ridiculous. Seriously. I have been back since October and looking for a job that pays at least 10 an hour, not that much, and is 40 a week. I want to work with my degree but that seems too hard to ask for because everyone wants someone with 3-5 years experience... really? How we gonna get that when no one with hire?!?! Frustrated.

PT

Okay, they say physical therapy is tough, you have no idea how hard it is until you do it. So I've been doing it for two days now and I am dying of pain. Turns out my knee caps don't work right so I'm going through therapy to try and get them where they need to be; kicker is after two days of light therapy and I'm crying from the pain.

Not only do my knees kill all the time but my thighs and shins are killing me too. It is a terrible situation at the moment blogger world. Ouch!