Life of the lived

Well I haven't been on much, life is crazy. I started college again to get a second bachelor's in order to raise my GPA. I also need to take lots of tests for graduate school, which terrifies me, but I want to pursue that avenue. And I am dating a guy I was best friends with in 4th grade, I was aweful to him yet now here we are and he is amazing and treats me well. This one has taught me thus far how with each guy I date I'm learning more and more what I like and don't like about others, what I truly am looking for I a guy to be with. I also have learned I don't need anyone but I want someone.

...It's been a while.

Okay world so I think it's time I come out with something. To some this should make sense, others who don't know me, well I don't know. Here we go.

So on February 6, 2012 my entire world got flipped upside down. I've done counseling and all sorts of help, but nothing has seemed to help so far. I see faces in the dark, movement, shapes that look like people. I no longer actually sleep. It's exhausting all the time, you could only imagiane. Sleeping pills wake me up, pills to wake me will wake me even more, that's no use. I'm terrified of people now, as much as I hate to admit it, I haven't actually let anyone get too close to me. I'm moody and angry a lot and I know it but can't seem to get control of it. I make excuses all the time. I hide from social interactions in fear of meeting people. Point of all this and so much more? I'm tired of it. I want more.

I miss smiling for no reason, being a happy young woman. I miss being able to trust and love people just for them being people. I miss people. I miss the world. And as scary as it will be, and long as it might take, I'm going to try to move forward in life and push through my wall of fears and anxieties I've built.

Overwhelmed

Today at work one of my residents said to me "you are so moody today, I don't know if you need sleep or what but you are bad". Well guys yes I am moody, I am upset with staff who are not doing their job or who are terrible at it and making others lives aweful, I'm tired of others telling me how bad the other staff are, I'm tired of kids trying to attack me and staff not having my back, I'm tired of enforcing our rules and having staff walk all over my decisions and stab me in the back; yeah I'm a bit moody. On top of all this, I have stress from moving in just a little over a week, first months rent, repairing my car, bills, rude man in my life, ect. I'm overwhelmed currently and when I just want a hug, someone to go out for drinks with me, someone to hang out with me, or even just talk to me without me having to call them on text them first. Something. Someone make an effort. Someone love me. Someone provide human comfort. Someone. Someone. Someone. It's all I'm asking is to be treated like a human and not some work horse or pile of dirt. My boss does nothing when I go to her on the coworkers abusing their work and making life harder for me, the coworkers have become so burned out or so lazy that they are not too much help currently and everyone hates everyone. I'm frustrated, I'm overwhelemed, I'm tired, I'm moody, I just need some love and a mojito.

Memory.

I can still feel your hands wrapped around my arms, feel them pressing in my skin, fingers indenting into the muscle, deeper and deeper you go. Pushing so hard I cannot make a sound from fear you'll hurt me more. Here I stand years taller, still scared and shadowed from your hurtful touch. You said we were friends, the best of, yet you took me and my freedom, things that weren't yours. I did what they said to do; called for help, they raped me even more, cried for mentality, received some light, but there is a touch, if anyone reaches it I lasp, trigger, fall. I start to see your face again, feel your touch, see the dark, someone save me, save me from my own memory. It haunts me.

Latest conflict

Hm. Conflict is a huge thing and it's all caused by ones self usually. So basically my latest relationship is unlike any other... I've been seeing this guy for a little over a month now and we have gone to many of my family functions, stayed the night together, he has taken work off to take care of sick me, ect.

So I had a pretty painful surgery yesterday and it is kicking my butt today with pain and not being able to move, can't even lift 10 pounds and I'm tired as all heck.  My man spent all day with me and took me to my dentist appointment. My dentist asked me today so the gentleman with you, is he your boyfriend, fiance... I replied we are dating without a title then told my man about that conversation.  When I stated what the dentist asked, Pat, my man, said "yes"; no classification of what we are or if we are married or anything but just said yes in general. That threw me off after we had a conversation earlier about how he is bring selfish and not married yet.

My mom later in the evening then asked me  if I want to be with Pat because I am ready to be married and want to be or because it feels right. I told her we haven't seen each other long enough to know all I know is that everything feels normal with him but not necessarily right like a fairytale. Everything with him feels so natural, as if this is how it should be.

So I don't know what to do because I love how we are but I want more..

People

When you look out at the vast sky and see the clouds some days there aren't as many and some days there are so many you can't see the blue. It's like people, some days there are so many around you can't see clearly and other days there are none at all making life seem like a void of stability. Those days you must push forward for the idea that you will have tomorrow to see more clouds,  see more that are reliable. You must remember although that clouds come and go and are never the same ones, you must be your own sunshine that keeps your darkest days lit.

Updates((LIFE))

So I am joyed to say how I left Mr perfect who ended up being aweful and abusive. Now am dating a coworker, a supervisor, non direct, and he is pretty good to me so far. He takes care of me and is really good about just accepting me for everything I am. He has his flaws but they aren't a bother to me, he is so accepting me along with caring. Continual caring and taking care of me in all ways. He is very respectful to my family and friends. This guy is great so far, still in our honeymoon stage I'm sure but man does he rock.