Life of the lived

Well I haven't been on much, life is crazy. I started college again to get a second bachelor's in order to raise my GPA. I also need to take lots of tests for graduate school, which terrifies me, but I want to pursue that avenue. And I am dating a guy I was best friends with in 4th grade, I was aweful to him yet now here we are and he is amazing and treats me well. This one has taught me thus far how with each guy I date I'm learning more and more what I like and don't like about others, what I truly am looking for I a guy to be with. I also have learned I don't need anyone but I want someone.

...It's been a while.

Okay world so I think it's time I come out with something. To some this should make sense, others who don't know me, well I don't know. Here we go.

So on February 6, 2012 my entire world got flipped upside down. I've done counseling and all sorts of help, but nothing has seemed to help so far. I see faces in the dark, movement, shapes that look like people. I no longer actually sleep. It's exhausting all the time, you could only imagiane. Sleeping pills wake me up, pills to wake me will wake me even more, that's no use. I'm terrified of people now, as much as I hate to admit it, I haven't actually let anyone get too close to me. I'm moody and angry a lot and I know it but can't seem to get control of it. I make excuses all the time. I hide from social interactions in fear of meeting people. Point of all this and so much more? I'm tired of it. I want more.

I miss smiling for no reason, being a happy young woman. I miss being able to trust and love people just for them being people. I miss people. I miss the world. And as scary as it will be, and long as it might take, I'm going to try to move forward in life and push through my wall of fears and anxieties I've built.